1. The Passive Aggressive
“I’ll never be able to forgive you for what you did. I hope you realize that what goes around, comes around…you’ll see soon enough.”
Everyone knows someone who has posted or often posts these types of menacing messages on public forums. Sure, we understand that the girl who stole your boyfriend totally deserves to be chastised, but posting it so that each of your 1207 Facebook friends can see it? Come on. The truth is, no one cares. These status updates not only make you look like a brat, but also diminish the impact of your threats. An in-person message to the guilty party would go a lot farther.
2. The Gym Rat
“Woo! Just finished my eight mile run at the gym, now heading out for two hours of yoga. Who’s up for a six mile hike later today? Hit me up!”
If you’re like most of us, a trip to the gym requires great effort, commitment and motivation. When we decide once again to forego our exercise routine and sit down on our computer instead, we’d rather not be subjected to your Facebook tales of the epic run you took that day, or the exhausting workout you completed before we even rolled out of bed. Yes, your activity level is impressive, but now the rest of us just feel like total fat slobs. Thanks.
3. The Public Lovers
“Happy 26 month anniversary to the sweetest, hottest boyfriend ever. You’re so amazing. I couldn’t live life without you. You make my world turn around. Waking up to you is like waking up next to sugar…you make my morning that much sweeter. I love you soo much, baby, don’t forget that, ever. I will love you forever and always <3″
Ah yes, we all know who these two are. They’re the ones with profile pictures of them kissing in front of a sunset. They’re the ones with “About Me’s” which regale us with tales of the other’s attributes, romantic dinners together and unexpected love notes left in secret places. They are also the culprits who create those disgustingly mooshy, gooshy Facebook status about, you guessed it, each other. Honestly, we are TRULY happy these two people have apparently found themselves living out a Disney fairytale, but is it really necessary to rub it into everyone’s lonely face on a public website? Your love for each other is touching, but can you please just get a room?
4. The TMI-er
“Stephen thinks today was a good day. I woke up around 10 am and had work from 11-5. After that, I grabbed a bite to eat at Jack in the Box. Then I met up with my friends Joe, Alex, and Mitch and we played a game of Scrabble. Needless to say, I won (obviously.) Now it’s about 10 pm, so I gotta get some rest for my early work day tomorrow. Overall, today has been a good day.”
Simply put, these Facebook users mistakenly believe that the world must know what’s going on every minute of every day their lives. These mundane and uninteresting updates are the fastest way to get your friends to start hiding your posts. I seriously don’t get the point of these. Why do you think we want to know all this? Oh right, we don’t.
5. The Spoiler Alert
“OMG SCOTTY WON!”
These people are constantly posting the ending of your favorite television shows when you’ve TiVo-ed it for a later date. That kind of defeats the purpose of recording shows to watch later, doesn’t it? I just love signing on to Facebook in the morning and learning who won “American Idol,” which housewife threw a drink in the face of her neighbor, and the seasonal finale cliff hanger for the show of which I am still on episode three. It’s cool to be into TV shows, but please spare us a ruined season of “American Idol” and keep the results to yourself!
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